Review: Clockwatchers (1997)

June 20th, 1999 | 11:38

Recently, about 2PM, I had this choice: I could continue watching the Yankee game — it was about the 4th inning, the Yankees had scored a couple of runs, Cone was pitching well, but I wasn’t paying that much attention — or I could also see a movie.

I was thinking of seeing “Deep Impact”, mainly to see the big tidal wave (I had noted the wave didn’t seem to go much past, say, Fulton Street, so I thought the Upper West Side would remain dry, but, really, I had to confirm this), but with mixed reviews, I wasn’t sure if I was up to seeing a couple hours of people being reconciled with their family members and working out various personal issues before the comet hits.

[I actually am not sure how the movie ends, if the big comet hits or not. I think it’d be funny if it didn’t hit, but no one told the folks living in the big cave. The could emerge two years later to find a Walmart next to the entrance. Laughter would ensue.]

So, skipping over “Deep Impact”, I sat down down and watched “Clockwatchers”, one of those low-budget indies (it has to be since Parker Posey is in it; before I’d use Steve Buscemi as the litmus test appears, but now that he’s appeared in the other big comet/meteor movie, “Armageddon”, this assay method is now in doubt). This is a neat film, very fun, especially in the first hour or so. Basically, it’s the story of four 20-something temps working in a depressing office.

The central character is Iris starts off the movie as a shy observer, watching her fellow temps go about trying to kill time, meet men, etc. In many cases, they’re just going through life’s motions: one of them is getting married to someone who apparently just gives her expensive gifts, a second claims to be an actress, though nothing apparently comes from her auditions, and the third is there trying to get a permanent job. This third one, played by Parker Posey, verbalizes the existential doubts they all seem to have: as a temp, they can vanish and no one would notice or care. Her quest for a permanent job, or at very least a recommendation, is her desire to leave a mark in the world.

Things take a darker turn when the job she’d been gunning for, executive assistant, is given to a mousy new hire. At the same time, someone starts stealing things from the office — paperweights, books, the personal effects people have to decorate their cubicles, a very special ball of rubberbands — and suspicion falls automatically on the temps. As pressure mounts on them, as they’re put under more careful scrutiny, the work friendships they had formed shows cracks.

I don’t find the film to be, say, a critique of the modern American workplace, though it shows a lot of the absurd little things that happen in offices. It’s not Dilbert. Rather, the idea of people existing in a void, unconnected in any meaningful way and going through the motions of life, is its main theme, and the vagaries and darknesses of the modern American workplace is simply the most opportune setting for this existential limbo. The office is where people look for deep connections in this significant social space and fail to find it; for this film the particulars of unconnectedness are distilled into these temps.

Anyway, “Clockwatchers” is a good movie, very funny in parts. Currently, it’s on one of the cable movie channels this month.

Later, I turned on CNN, and notice that the Yankees had won. I suppose it was a good game.

Review: Trekkies (1999)

June 18th, 1999 | 16:12

There was a late episode from “Star Trek: The Next Generation” which had the new Enterprise crew rescue Scotty from the old series. Through the course of this episode, Scotty gets homesick, and, through the magic of the holodeck, he visits the bridge of the old Enterprise and reminisces over a bottle of Romulan ale (or somesuch).

I’m told that this old Enterprise bridge was borrowed from a Star Trek fan club: the fan club actually went and built the bridge in precise detail, and Paramount found it easier to rent it than build their own.

I’m surprised this story didn’t make it into the documentary, “Trekkies”. It would have fit in, alongside the stories of the 15-year-old fan whose club is making a movie — he’s doing the special effects on his PC — or the dentist who dresses up as a Star Fleet officer to see his patients (and has his receptionists and assistants dress in uniform, also). Or, for that matter, with the Whitewater juror who came to court every day in her Commander’s uniform. Such is the energy and zeal being unleashed on things Star Trek by its fans, and spilling out into the mainstream world.

I have to admit that I can identify an undisclosed number of Star Trek episodes given only a five-second sample, but not all of them, and probably not the majority from ST:DS9 or ST:V. I have never worn Vulcan ears and remain horrified by the “Q Virus” story from “Trekkies”. As a more casual fan, seeing all this wackiness from more ardent fans is a treat: there’s sufficient familiarity with the milieu to identify with much of the more extreme behavior, and to be surprised in a good way by the creative ways fan devotion is expressed. Yes, I know that Commander Sisko shaved his head and grew a goatee midway through the series, but would I have imagined that a fan would take the Sisko action figure, file off its plastic hair and paint a little goatee on it?

And Star Trek is a positive force, with notions of public service deeply embedded in its vision of the future (for an interesting discussion, take a look at this Salon article: http://www.salonmag.com/ent/movies/feature/1999/06/15/brin_main/index.html). This moral vision has not been lost on its fans. The woman who wore the Commander’s uniform to the Whitewater jury, for example, heads up a local fan club, and her reasoning for wearing the uniform is that the fan club is dedicated to community service, and what better represents civic duty than serving on a jury? The uniform is merely the visible symbol of this ideal of service. Indeed, the idea of community service crops up here and there among the fans highlighted in “Trekkies”, from the aforementioned Commander to the local Klingon crew. The dentist who dresses up in uniform is just trying to make his patients feel better — the hokey transporter set up over the dentist’s chair is meant to transport the patient away from the root canal procedure. Overall, Star Trek has been a positive influence, whether as a spark for individual creativity or as a larger framework for public consciousness. There can be worse things than being a Trekkie.

So, is there a real difference between the story of Babe Ruth visiting sick kids in the hospital and Kate Mulgrew, Capt. Janeway from ST:V, doing the same? Both are indulging the passions of their fans, giving them a chance to feel a bit better in their illnesses. Baseball and other sports are more revered and accepted than Star Trek by the mainstream — we don’t give weird and slightly disgusted looks to people who know who won the Cy Young in 1966, and we think the guys who paint their bodies in the team’s colors and stand half naked in subzero weather are just jolly clowns — but it’s just a particular pastime, hobby or passion. [A Userfriendly cartoon has nice swipe at this silly bias: http://www.userfriendly.org/cartoons/archives/99may/19990516.html]

“Trekkies” is a good documentary, but like most documentaries, it doesn’t get much screen time. In New York, it’s currently playing at the local 2nd-run movie house (known as the $3-movie theater in a city where the average ticket is $9) without having actually made it to the first-run houses. A pity: it’s worth it for both fans and non-fans to see Trek followers at their most ardent, and see that, while their behavior may appear kooky or extreme, it’s not really a bad thing, all things considered.

Review: Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999)

June 15th, 1999 | 11:39

So, in the wee early morning hours of Monday (well, not that early), while having my breakfast cereal, I see in the newspaper that “Austin Powers” has utterly crushed “Star Wars” this weekend. Ah, well, it’s definitely a funnier film.

Uttering “Austin Powers” and “Star Wars” in the same breath isn’t an outlandish thing. “Austin Powers” had at least a few “Star Wars” references, from its advertising campaign to the opening text crawl. We can take it a bit further, and say that Dr. Evil is, like, the lightsabre duel, Austin himself was sort of like the Pod Race, and no one was Jar Jar Binks. Well, I could have done with less Fat Bastard, but I don’t think, Fat Bastard Die Die Die. “Austin Powers” is a very consistently funny movie, without many soft spots. Some things go on for too long, like your typical SNL skit, but not many.

What plot there is centers on Dr. Evil going back in time to steal Austin’s mojo. This is basically an excuse to wander into all sorts of shameless product placements, the most inspired of which is the one for the new Volkswagen Beetle; psychedelic Sixties theme park fun with Heather Graham in short-shorts; and some very neat jokes with clueless, displaced Sixties personalities who have seen the future but have now been sent back to their home turf. Dr. Evil trying and badly failing to use late 1990s-isms was inspired (“One hundred billion dollars!”), a sort of conscious set of reversals from the usual man-out-of-time idioms. Austin himself was less interesting in this regard.

I’m starting to think that cultural critics of the 21st Century will recognize Jerry Springer as a brilliant auteur, conjuring forth a subtle performance art piece on a daily basis, casting it as a lewd talk show in order for his devastating social criticism of fin-de-siecle America to reach the widest audience in the most subversive way possible. But I could be wrong. I’ve only watched one of his shows, when I was on sick leave last year.

I actually didn’t like the original movie all that much. It plodded along: once you get the idea of spy movie-spoof guys from the 1960s trying to make it thirty years later, you have a lot of the joke. That’s material for half-hour sitcoms (South Park actually had a wonderful episode of this, with an ice man from 1996 being revived in 1999: Land’s End, Ace of Base, and the Internet was difficult to get on), not feature-length films. This new movie just works better by not paying much attention to that idea, by self-consciously pointing out how silly the movie is (“It’s remarkable how much the English countryside looks like southern California”, and the London street scene with sun-burnt hills in the background), and by playing with the aforementioned man-out-of-time-back-in-time jokes.

Oh, stay for the entire credits. Little skits in the credits. And the DVD for this movie _must_, absolutely _must_ have karaoke.

Cold Soba

June 4th, 1999 | 09:28

The following is from Shizuo Tsuji’s Japanese Cooking, A Simple Art.

These chilled buckwheat noodles are traditionally served on basketwork “plates” or square bamboo boxes with slatted bottoms, accompanied by a cup of clear, strong cold dipping sauce.

1/2 lb. dried soba noodles
2-3 cups noodle dipping sauce
1/4 cup finely shred cut toasted nori seaweed
prepared wasabi
5 Tbsp finely chopped green onion
4 Tbsp finely grated daikon radish

To Cook Soba

Bring 2 qts. unsalted water to a rolling boil. Add noodles to boiling water gradually, so as not to stop the boiling entirely. Stir slowly to keep noodles sticking to the bottom of the pot. Let noodles come to a full rolling boil again, then add 1 cup cold water. Repeat this 3-4 times and cook until the noodles are a bit more tender then al dente. Drain the noodles in a colander and rinse under cold running water.

Noodle Dipping Sauce
Makes 3 cups

2 1/2 cups dashi
1/2 cup + Tbsp.dark soya sauce
4 Tbsp mirin
1 tsp sugar
1 ounce dried bonito flakes

In a medium sized pot, mix all ingredients except bonito and bring just to a boil over medium high heat. Stir in the bonito flakes and immediately remove from the heat. Let stand for 10 seconds until flakes are thoroughly soaked and strain. Cool to room temperature adn refrigerate. Will keep for 1 month covered and refrigerated.

To Serve

Divide the noodles into 4 portions. Sprinkle nori over each portion. Serve the dipping sauce in individual small bowls. Place garnishes in serving dishes and let each diner help himself.

To eat, mix a dab of wasabi, onion and daikon into the dipping sauce. Pick up the noodles with chopsticks, drag through the sauce and eat.

DJEJ BIL EINAB (Chicken with Grapes) North Africa

June 4th, 1999 | 09:24

serves 4

2 inches fresh ginger
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
4 chicken legs
1/4 cup sweet butter
1 tablespoon olive oil
9 oz green seedless grapes, halved.
1/8 teaspoon ground cinnamon (if desired)
1/8 teaspoon ground ginger(If desired)
1 tablespoon Corn starch
Salt (optional)

Squeeze the ginger in a garlic press to extract the juice, then mix with the cinnamon. Rub into the chicken and leave in a cool place for 2 hours or overnight. Heat the butter and oil in a heavy skillet or Dutch oven that can go into the oven. Cook the chicken till well browned. Add the grapes, cover and bake in a 375 deg oven for 40 minutes or until tender. Turning the chicken half way and basting at least twice. The grapes make the liquid. For the sauce. Remove chicken pieces, add some of the hot liquid from the Dutch oven or skillet, to 1 tablespoon of corn starch. Mix in the 1/8 teaspoons of ginger and cinnamon and mix the paste into the hot liquid. Simmer only till the sauce starts to thicken and then spoon over chicken. note: You can broil instead of pan browning. You can also use ground ginger and cinnamon with a tablespoon of oil or water added to rub the chicken.

Fan Mail II

May 26th, 1999 | 10:23

I seem to have a large fan base on WebTV for some reason. Two out of the four or five e-mails I’ve gotten have been from there. Should I be worried?

This one had some very very bad WebTV signature down there, something that would melt ordinary browsers. I’ve snipped it. Besides that, the formatting is more or less preserved, complete with bizarre indentation and line breaks.

From xxx@webtv.net Wed May 26 18:54:55 1999
Date: Sun, 16 May 1999 19:32:07 -0400 (EDT)
From: xxx
To: Cheng-Jih Chen
Subject: Re: Retrospective: The Ten Commandments (1956)

Hi Cheng.
Just a note to say I enjoyed your elucidation on the Ten Commandments.
Given the time it was made and all other
“deficiencies”….it still is a good film, as you have noted.
I have it on hand and pop it out now and
then and don’t get tired of it. I LOVE..a lot
of the old movie-making; ableit to some “
old fashioned” or dated. Not to say some
are not or were’nt “stinkers”…
Yet overall, there is a particular quality
which would certainly be a reflection of the director and I find that I
do not find this particular intangible quality amongst
our present day directors…or if they do exist…they are few of
course. I mean…there are a few today whom I admre.
I recently was in touch with someone online about an “oldie” which I
love…going
way back to the 30’s….The Last Days of
Pompeii. Damn! For those days the f/xs
were darned good considering…
What I was getting to in my mention of this is the person I was in
touch with gave
a review and a good one on it…yet stated
that some of the acting might be considered “hammy”…in particular that
of
the star, Preston Foster.
Reading your critique of TC…you mention the “overacting”…and
mention the
three women on the rock in the sea-parting sequence…
Well….strange as it sounds….I don’t mind that and “understand” the
over-exxagerated gestures, etc. as I did
when I alluded to the “hammy” acting above.
By this, I mean that I feel what we perceive as being “overdone”..might
well
be how people appeared in those times.
In fact this might be closer to the truth of
their gestures, mannerisms, etc…speaking
as such than what we would like them to
be in our contemporary world.
Just a look at what we have as “evidence
” from within our own century..that is some early movies whereby one can
see
the body language….manner of speech,
facial expressions, etc…are different from
how we express ourselves today.
Take that thought and move it back a few
thousand years and imagine how “dramatic” the ancients were in this
regard.
When I say now I “understand’ now, is
that living abroad for awhile some years
ago and meeting some illiterate, unspoiled
wonderful people…who did not have contact with the ‘modern world”…I
saw these same types of gestures..facial expressions..manner of
speaking, etc.
which we now might call “overacting” or
“hammy” by today’s standards, whether in
real life or on film..
Wow! Did not mean to carry on like this
but for what it’s worth..just thought I would
pass it on for you to consider (or not!).
Moral of the story….hey…I guess many of our ancestors did
“overact”!
BTW…I thought Anne Baxter did an excellent job, as Yul did…and
Heston did
carry it off okay….
Take care….and looking forward to more of your reviews…
Peace..
Jack

Root Canal

April 16th, 1999 | 10:16

Dental adventures for the week:

I had my six-month cleaning on Wednesday. While there had been flossing lapses in the past half-year, like all of December and January, I had been good for the past few weeks. I didn’t expect anything beyond a cleaning, though I was going to ask about this bit of swelling I had near Tooth #30. There was no pain associated with this swelling.

The swelling, it turned out, was a small blood-filled pimple, and not the gum swelling caused by bad flossing. The dentist was concerned, and after the cleaning she took an x-ray of the area [1]. The little pimple was caused by a tooth abscess — part of the root was rotted away — and I was to immediately make an appointment with a specialist. The specialist would decide if I’d only need some antibiotics to treat the infection or whether I’d need a root canal to drill out the rotting bits.

My dentist had high praises for this specialist (I forget what his speciality is called, but he has a D.M.D. after his name), saying that if she were in Australia and needed a root canal, she’d fly back to New York to have him do it. I’m told, contrary to every story I’d heard, the root canal should actually be painless.

So, Thursday morning, I schlepped cross town to Madison Avenue. There’s the usual paper work to fill out, though there was a slight snag with this dentist not being part of my HMOs approved list. In any case, the specialist glances at the x-ray print out my dentist gave me to show him, and decides to get a better picture with his own x-ray. Zap. One look at the results and he says, root canal: too much bone has already been lost. We’ll do it now.

I again get the story that root canals are now painless procedures. As he put it, in late 20th Century New York, if not elsewhere, root canals are not an issue. All the painful stories were from the time before better technology was brought to bear. The whole procedure would take about an hour.

The tooth gets isolated with a rubber dam with a hole cut out of it. This is so the dead tooth material and infection doesn’t splatter everywhere in the mouth. There were three injections of novocaine. I only felt the first one, and I didn’t feel too much of that, since he swabbed the injection point with some numbing liquid.

While this was all happening, I got the “what is a root canal” lecture. Teeth have roots, and within these roots are narrow canals through which nerves and bloodvessels pass. Problems happen if an infection gets into the canal, since the blood flow is minimal: the infection can just go nuts in there, eating away the bone and generating goo. If you get relatively lucky, you develop a fistula — where the goo breaks through the gum and vents — which is what that pimple/swelling was. If you get unlucky, the fistula doesn’t develop or it gets clogged, and your jaw swells. I think there’s an archetypal image of someone with a swollen jaw, a bandage wrapped across the top of the head, as a symbol of dental problems; I guess the clogged fistula is where the image comes from. In any case, the dentist’s goal is to drill out the canal, and basically take out all the debris, stopping the infection. I suppose the pain reputation for a root canal comes from not drilling out the canal carefully, or going too deep.

While most of the pain is stopped by an aggressive application of novocaine, some of the dentist’s technology is neato peachy-keen. After the initial bit of drilling, he got out some sort of potentiometer, to measure the voltage differences between a couple of points on the tooth. This is apparently an indication of how deep the root goes. There might have been some other bit of technical gee-whiz, but I can’t seem to remember it.

After he did the root canal, he took a second set of x-rays to see if everything was correctly done. After that, he put on a temporary filling — my regular dentist is supposed to do the crown after a couple of weeks. I’m supposed to come back to his office three more times to check on the condition of the tooth: over months, the lost bone is supposed to come back, as the area re-calcifies. I got a prescription for antibiotics to address the infection, and a prescription for pain killers, in case there was real pain after the novocaine wears off. A day later, no pain, though there was a fair bit of soreness on the tooth last night when I brushed. Most of that soreness went away by the morning, leaving me with an unfilled prescription for Lodine. Oh, another kudos for the dentist: he called that evening to check that I was OK.

[1] As a side note, the x-rays they take at that office are way cool. No more film held in hard plastic bite downs, she uses a little wand with a sensor at the end. The wand is attached to a PC, and the x-ray is recorded digitally. It supposedly requires only a tenth of the radiation a traditional x-ray uses. A few seconds after the zap button is pushed, the x-ray comes up on screen, associated with the right section of jaw. The only problem I see with this is that the printouts are low-rez, but that’s because they were using a sucky HP 5L, and possibly because the software wasn’t configured to print out a full-sized image.

Review: Life is Beautiful (1997)

March 25th, 1999 | 12:02

The afternoon before the Oscars, I finally got around to seeing “Life is Beautiful”. I only caught a glimpse of Benigni’s victorious stepping on of Spielberg as he clampered over the seats; I was tired and went to sleep early.

The movie has achieved a large share of acclaim, but there are also many detractors who argue that this slapstick comedy partially set in the Holocaust verges on Holocaust denial. Among of the examples I’ve seen include the New Yorker’s film critic in two seperate articles, because the first one was too short to contain his arguments; an NPR piece that included commentary from Art Spiegelman, the author of Maus, who takes it personally as Benigni appears to be using the Holocaust as a metaphor, a corruption of Maus’s use of using metaphor to approach the Holocaust [1]; and Salon’s reviewer [2].

I went into the film with this critical baggage. This, of course, colors the film in a certain way: one starts to look to see if the movie confirms the criticisms. I’m not sure how important this is, as no film is seen in a vacuum of personal experience.

To summarize the basic plot (and get the obligatory bits of a review over with), we should note that the movie starts as a light romantic comedy. Benigni plays a waiter, pursuing a woman he literally runs into. There are complications: she’s engaged to the local Fascist boss, who Benigni previous met in, well, let’s say comic circumstances. Over the first hour of the film, Benigni’s clown charms her, wins her over. Some years later, we find them their life together happily settled, with a precocious son scampering around. This idyll is shattered when the Nazis come and the family is taken to a death camp.

To keep his son alive, Benigni spins a story for him: the routines of the camp are an elaborate game, and the winner gets a big tank as first prize. Elaborations are improvised: when the rest of the children vanish, Benigni tells his son they are hiding, and that he should hide too. The charade continues until the end, when the war is over and the Americans roll in to liberate the camp.

I actually found this to be a fine film, but weightless. It makes a statement about love and humor conquering all, but it is not a tested proposition. Yes, Benigni is still able to act as a clown to keep his son alive and believing, but there was never any indication in the film that he could not act as a clown. There is little evidence in the film that his character changes with circumstance, that he is not compulsively the way he is. There is then no doubt that love and humor will conquer in this film: they simply exist and continue to exist, unchallenged by any real despair or doubt.

It’s in this nonexistence of despair that I see the point of the film’s detractors, and why they argue that it approaches Holocaust Denial Lite, which asserts that while the Holocaust happened, it really wasn’t that bad. Yes, there are unrealistic touches with the physical presentation of the camp: it looks a whole lot like a summer camp, with fairly roomy barracks for the inmates. The guards have a touch of Hogan’s Heroes about them (the actor who plays the SS guard spelling out the camp’s rules, in fact, almost loses it and laughs out loud to Benigni’s antics). Security is interestingly lax, as Benigni is able to get to the camp loudspeaker for quite a long time without interruption, as well as put a record player to good use in cheering up his distant wife [3]. But more importantly, there’s a lack of despair or oppression, except for a few dramatically conducive moments. In some sense, the Holocaust isn’t the Holocaust. In this movie, the Holocaust is merely a big bummer.

Interestingly, the one surreal moment of the film, when Benigni is taking is son home from the Officer’s mess, the dreamlike fog parts and he sees a scene from a Breugel [4]: a mound of dessicated, naked corpses, what remains after Death has conquered all. Perhaps the decision to make this sequence otherworldly is acknowledgement that this ultimately light film cannot incorporate the reality of the death camps within its frame. It’s in this sequence that the film comes closest to breaking through its comic straightjacket, to shake off its rictus of a smile. We see a hint that the clown may well be confronted by despair, but the hint doesn’t last.

The film only works at one level, the simple one in which love, compassion and humor can overcome the most dire of circumstances. One critic noted that “Life is Beautiful” could have become a great ironic fable if the child was fully aware of what the camp was for, but was playing along with the father to maintain his father’s sanity and faith that things will work out in the end. But Benigni doesn’t take this path; it’s unclear if you could have. Another route may have been to take seriously the notion that this film is a fable constructed from the wartime memories of a six-year-old boy: the death-camp-as-summer-camp is the world his father created for him, hiding the reality. Of course things were more pleasant; the loving father has spun a necessary illusion. But this is another road not taken, and the film’s message remains uncomplicated.

[1] http://www.npr.org/ramfiles/me/19990317.me.11.ram

[2] http://www.salonmagazine.com/ent/movies/reviews/1998/10/30reviewa.html

[3] There’s a similar scene in “The Shawshank Redemption”. I think it’s in the Stephen King short story, but I don’t remember. I’m curious about the precedents for the record player stunt.

[4] http://www.fhi-berlin.mpg.de/wm/paint/auth/bruegel/death.jpg

The Trial

January 18th, 1999 | 10:17

The second day of jury selection for the robbery trial was on Thursday, but since I’d already been selected, I didn’t have to show up to the courthouse. This meant going back to work, which was a better thing, if only because there’s Internet access, only somewhat interrupted by meetings (I found out I may have to schlepp to Dallas sometime in February to do a Vulcan Mindmeld with some Sybase DBAs, regarding the relocation of some of our servers later this year). I was back at the courthouse on Friday, the first day of the trial.
I heard later that Thursday was somewhat hellish for the others still in that trial’s juror pool. They got to hear the exact same questions and speeches repeated again, and the same “I can’t put my biases away” exchanges between soon-to-be-dismissed jurors and the judge. Twice! And the people who were stuck late in the afternoon had to schlepp back to the courthouse early Friday morning, because the court officer in charge of validating their service had already gone home for the day by the time questioning was finished. You’re not off jury duty until that was done.

Before leaving the building on Wednesday, all of us selected jurors got yellow “Get In Court Free” cards. This allowed us to bypass the metal detector lines in the morning, which is terrific, since the line stretches out the door around 9:30 AM. Actually, it’s more than just bypassing the line — you also bypass the metal detector itself. Yes, being a juror means you can bring concealed weapons with you into the building. Later in the day, someone quipped that if we were going to be kept past 5PM again, he’s going to pull out the sawed-off shotgun: “We’re leaving” click-clack.

I saw the defense lawyer looking a little befuddled at the elevators that morning. We’re not actually supposed to acknowledge the presense of any of the other participants in the trial — not the lawyers, not the defendant — as even the slightest suggestion of a familiar “Hello” can be considered a breach of the legal rituals that conjure up the appearance of fairness.

When I got to the courtroom, I spent some time engaged in the main jury duty activity — waiting for the doors to open. This was Friday, the morning after the ice storm blew through leaving pools of slush in every depression in the sidewalk and street. People were late — a couple of the jurors, and the assistant defense lawyer didn’t show up until after lunch it turns out — and the jury wasn’t allowed into any part of the court room until everyone was there. The bailiff came out three times to call roll before the entire jury — plus alternates — had arrived.

By the way, I was reading Daniel Boorstin’s “The Discovers” at the time, and still am. It’s a big book about, well, the expansion of human knowledge throughout history. I just finished the part when Europeans discover the New World, and realize that Ptolemy’s maps weren’t quite right.

Interestingly, the courtroom across the hall from mine had a small table set up in front of it, manned by two bailiffs with handheld metal detectors. During the morning wait, I watch them screen the more than a dozen people who filed in as spectators. I have no idea what trial is going on in there.

The past week or so has turned out to be a weird one for high school associations. There was the subway pusher from two weeks ago. He apparently was a student from rival high school Bronx Science. Class of ’87, in fact. My friend from B.S. didn’t know him. Kept to himself, apparently. Anyway, while sitting in the hallway Friday morning, I was approached by another juror who looked vaguely familiar: “Do I know you?” The vague familiarity was mutual: this was Madeline Something-Or-Other from Stuyvesant, Class of ’87. The fascination with this would-you-believe reunion lasted all of thirty seconds, as we didn’t really know each other from high school. I haven’t schlepped home to Bayside to dig through the yearbook, though.

Speaking of high school, the men’s room on the 13th floor of the courthouse has this very decripit high school feel to it. It’s different from, say, the public restrooms in offices, which, while institutional, are generally kept clean, with minimal grime. They’re unlike the restrooms in McDonald’s, which generally are nasty with the volume of traffic. These courthouse restrooms are old and public. They’re showing their long service with worn-in dirt that’ll never be cleaned away and smudges of graffitti in the stalls. A good mopping would technically make it clean — and it basically was — but you’d never shake the subtle feeling of deep-set nastiness embedded in the tiles. I guess this bathroom has achieved the Zen paradox of clean-but-dirty.

After some time, the last juror showed up and roll call was complete. We were escorted through a side door to the Jury Room. This chamber wouldn’t look out of place in Henry Fonda’s movie. There was even one of those ancient fans up there, grime-covered and clearly unused for many years, presumably since the slightly less ancient air conditioner was installed. There was a large wooden conference table in the middle, a water cooler to one side, a coat rack in the back in between the doors to the dingy restrooms. The room had a great view, though: eastwards, over Chinatown and towards the Manhattan Bridge.

Pardon my fascination with the restroom, but the flush mechanism consisted of this small foot pedal near the floor, and not the usual hand lever you find in most public restrooms. I suppose there must have been a change in fashion over the decades, when the plumbing for the little floor pedal gave way to the little handle, which is giving way to the no-touch motion detector. Come to think of it, you’d think there’d be a positive benefit in, uh, less hand contact with the fixtures when using the pedal, though in cases of bad, uh, misses (at least in the men’s room), the pedals may be somewhat ickier.

I’m beginning to think that this e-mail is starting to reflect jury duty: long periods of boredom, interspersed with brief moments of acute hubbub. Well, patience, since the bailiff showed up soon after we’d finished refreshing ourselves to lead us to the jury box for the first witness’s testimony.

As said, this was a robbery trial. The story told about this incident is: on April 21, 1998, this livery cab driver picked up a group of five girls in upper Manhattan, and drove them to a different part of upper Manhattan. When he got to the destination, according to the prosecution, the girls pulled a gun on him and took all his money as well as an old driver’s license, so that they’ll know where to find him if he reports the incident. About ten minutes later, after the girls had run into a park, the driver comes across the girls again, this time being questioned by some cops about why they were running. He gets out of the car and accuses them of robbing him. The defense, representing one of this group of girls, contents that there was no robbery, that the girls had simply not paid the fare and the driver was getting back at them by conjuring up more serious charges, and that, after all, no gun, no money and no old driver’s license was found on the girls when they were arrested.

The driver himself is from Liberia, and while English is spoken as a first language there, it’s not in the neutral-to-America-ears dialect spoken by Peter Jennings. The questioning by the friendly prosecutor was actually somewhat painful, full of clairifications and rephrasings. But the essense of it was the ritual extraction of information, something that’s part of the public consciousness: who are you, what’s your background, what where you doing at 5:30PM on April 21, 1998? Did the girls wear anything identifiable? Can you identify them? Is one of them in the courtroom now? Can you point her out? When this happened, what happened next? At one point, a big board was brought out, with photos tacked on them, showing the area of the incident. After the witness and only the witness viewed these and identified them, they were ritually entered in as evidence, at which point the board was mounted for the jury to look at. It’s a very formal thing.

The defense cross examination also went almost like a minor movie script: What were the lighting conditions? Dim? As they ran away, did you see a gun? Are you sure? In a fit of overwrought theatrics, the defense lawyer, towards the end of the cross examination, presented his argument in the did-you-or-did-you-not formula: Did you or did you not accuse them of armed robbery when all they did was jump the fare?

The prosecutor’s redirect ignored that theory, and merely focused some points raised by the defense having to do with the lighting conditions, and a clarification on how long the group of girls were visible after they jumped out of the cab, whether he got a clear look. Through all the witness’s testimony, through cross examination and redirect, objections were raised here and there: leading the witness, can the question be rephrased, and so on.

I’m curious about the court reporter’s skills. He’s recording all this testimony on the little steno device: it makes no sound, and the keyboard is, well, weird. It’s played almost like a piano, with various keys pushed in combination to produce something, whether words, phrases or simply syllables I’m not sure about. In some sense, if he’s taking real time dictation, he can type faster than all of us put together.

One other point of ponder is the clothing worn by the defendant. In the jury selection for the murder trial, the defendant wore really colorful Tommy Hilfinger stuff. In the robbery trial, it was a clean, well pressed track suit, with some color that I only recall as not subtle. There’s some sorrow when you realize that this may be the best set of clothes available, and that this best set really doesn’t help their cause.

When this was all done, we broke for lunch. Chinatown’s proximity is a wonderful thing. I ate in a cheap Vietnamese place across the street from the courthouse. It turns out that this place was mentioned in the current “Let’s Do Lunch” issue of Time Out New York. I also had a pork bun from the standard bakery on Mott Street.

After getting back from lunch, the jury was kept in the jury room for a very long time. I was in the bathroom admiring the pedals when one of us was called out for an individual conference with the judge and the lawyers. Hmm.

For the next two hours, individual jurors were called out for similar meetings, some taking ten or twenty minutes, others coming back in a minute or two. The rest of us in the room tried to pass the time the way a dozen people who don’t know each other but have to amicably sit in a small room do: we’d compile lists of favorite movies, TV shows, ha-ha-wasn’t-it-funny-when references to the common culture. If Seinfeld were still around, there’d probably be a discussion of best episodes.

I was one of the ones that took only a minute or two. The problem was that someone had told the judge that there had been “deliberations” about the trial that morning, well before we were supposed to even whisper a word about what was going on. I didn’t recall “deliberations” in the sense of real discussion. At most, a first time juror, who perhaps was used to thinking out load, did make references to the case, but that never went very far.

At about 5PM, the judge declared a mistrial because he believed there had been deliberations, and that the jury’s fairness could not be guaranteed. The bailiff who had prematurely distributed next week’s jury passes collected them, and then escorted us out the courtroom: the south elevators should still be in service, and we’d be mailed the statement to show we had done jury duty, which we could show our employers if necessary. That was that.

Oh, and at the end of all this, I left my umbrella in some corner of the jury room. It was a nice umbrella, too.

Jury Duty

January 18th, 1999 | 10:16

I’m now officially one of those people who are too dumb to get off a jury. I’m sure, with the surety that comes from the paranoid belief that civic virtue is always punished, that all this started on the second Tuesday of November, when I voted in the midterm elections. Yes, I’m aware that New York State’s jury pools are supposed to be drawn from state tax receipts, driver’s licenses, public aid rolls as well as voter registration lists, but a few weeks after that, I received a “Jury Qualification Form”. Under the threat of legal action, you basically check off the boxes that state that you’re a US citizen and can speak and understand English fluently. A sense of pervasive doom filled me as I dropped that form in the mailbox. A few weeks after that, these dark premonitions were fulfilled as I got the summons to jury duty, first day being last Tuesday.
The New York County courthouse is actually a bitch to get to from the Upper West Side (as is, arguably, anything that’s vaguely east-ish). You actually have to walk a few blocks from any subway station to get there. From the City Hall IND stop, you have to schlepp through the construction at Federal Plaza. This is not a pleasant thing to do at 8:15 AM in January. The courthouse itself is actually this large, vaguely ominous building, a sort of institutional Art Deco cast in dark gray. It would not look out of place in a Batman movie.

You have to pass through metal detectors to get in. I had a problem the first time through in the morning, when I kept on setting off the alarm even though I didn’t obviously have much metal on me. I turned out to be my second pair of glasses, tucked in a jacket pocket. The metal frame, combined with the glasses I was wearing and my belt buckle apparently pushed me over some threshold, from “harmless” to “possible terrorist”. The X-ray machine operator was a bit of a newbie: she was confused by this clipboard I had in my book bag, yet let me get in during the morning with my Leatherman utility tool, which probably just looks like an innocuous block of metal on the scanner. When I came through after lunch, the more experienced guard, who had actually guessed that I had a clipboard, stopped me and asked if I had a Leatherman or Gerber before I fished it out of my bag. They took it away and gave me a receipt.

The jury pool waiting room is a big one, decked out in swivel chairs that are less comfortable than they look. There are enough chairs for a few hundred people. For the people who are on their first day’s jury duty, they showed this informational video. I couldn’t help thinking, “Hi, I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such informational films as ‘The DMV and You’….” Instead, they had Ed Bradley from 60 Minutes doing the narration, as well as Diane Sawyer for a later clip. The video starts off with something out of the History Channel, showing, in contrast to our system of “a jury of one’s peers”, a trial by ordeal. Monty Python did this in Holy Grail. I think they should have shown that.

From a random shuffling of juror ballots, my name comes up (with forty or fifty others) to sit in on the first jury selection of the day. This turns out to be a murder second degree trial that the judge expects to take three weeks. The judge is sympathetic to the time concerns, and he’s pretty much willing to accept any argument on why someone can’t serve on this particular jury. I’m too paralyzed by indecision to get up on the large line to get out of the trial. Half the group that came down from the main room leaves in the first fifteen minutes, and the remaining people have their ballots put in some sort of metal box to be shaken up and drawn out in a jury questioning lottery. Of course, my name comes up again, and I sit in the jury box for this one.

This is a relatively modern, though small courtroom, with stark black and white paneling that’s peeling in some places. The chairs are like those found in spiffy college lecture halls: they fold up smoothly, and have a certain sleek look. The jury box has a few extra temporary chairs, which are presumably for the alternate jurors (once the jury is empaneled).

The jury questioning is very formal, a ritual give and take to ensure that the jury is fair and impartial to both the defendent and the prosecution. The judge basically explains why we’re here, and goes into a long, prepared discussion of reasonable doubt, innocence until proven guilty, and so on. It’s not a bad thing to hear, actually, since the implications don’t really sink in when you first learn all this in grade school, and are clouded after that by bad courtroom dramas on TV. It’s hammered in that verdicts are binary statements, and that you’re required to vote “not guilty” if the prosecution has not proven the case beyond a reasonable doubt. Johnnie Cochran’s “if the glove doesn’t fit, you must acquit” takes on a different shade, acquires weight: this isn’t just a quick jingle, but a succinct restatement of how, if the prosecution fails to remove reasonable doubt, then acquittal isn’t merely a suggestion but a necessary conclusion. That’s how our system works.

The specific questions asked by the judge are of the form “Is there anything in your background that may bias your opinion? If so, can you put this aside and render an unbiased verdict.” It’s almost a ritual: “Yes, I have friends who are police officers. No, this doesn’t prejudice me.” Occassionally, one person will state that he can’t put his biases aside. The judge then went into a long statement on what being biased means for that particular variant of his question, and usually that person would say, yes, he can be unbiased in, say, listening to police testimony. Once, though, someone said he can’t be unbiased, in which case that person was released from the jury box and someone else was called in. The formal ritual of questioning — where all the questions are asked once again — are repeated for that new potential juror. After the judge finishes, the lawyers have a go at their own set of formal questions and whatever rituals they do to ensure fairness.

We broke for lunch after the lawyers finished. I actually got back a bit late, and was a little panicked when I was stopped by the Leatherman in my bag — the judge said come back at 2:30 and it was now 2:40! And the building’s elevators are terrible! I soon found out judges and courts have their own sense of time, which typically runs at least 15 minutes slower than what it says on the clock. All the potential jurors were still sitting outside the courtroom, waiting for the baliff to say it’s OK to go in. When we were finally called in — only the ones that were questioned — it was a little anticlimatic: we sat in the audience area, and they read off a half-dozen names for those who had been choosen for the jury. My name wasn’t on the list. I was one of the ones bouncing back up to the big waiting room, relieved at not being trapped for the rest of the month on this trial.

The next day, coming in a bit later since I didn’t have to watch the video, and coming in without utility tool, I got picked for the jury pool for another trial. This one was a robbery — a taxi driver was held up — and was expected to last only two days. The judge was also much tougher with excuses for getting out of the trial, announcing from the start that, given the short trial, he wasn’t going to let people go that easily. A pregnant woman was one of the first people up to say she couldn’t serve, and was quickly sat back down in the pool. Interestingly, many of the people who went up after her to say why they couldn’t serve were let go. Perhaps bizarrely, one of the people from the earlier murder trial, who didn’t try to get out of it with the very lenient judge, got up to make his case in this robbery trial, and was let go.

As luck would have it, my name came up again to sit in the jury box for questioning. The formal ritual was repeated, with this judge’s own variations. Interestingly, exactly one potential juror was kicked off in this phase, just like in the murder trial.

This was a big courtroom, the kind you’d see in the movies. High ceilings, lots of wood panelling, a large space in which the judge has to use a microphone. While sitting through the jury questioning, you start to take a note of some of the scruffiness underneath the judicial grandeur. Off in the corner are mismatched file cabinets, looking somewhat beat up. The 1940s style decor, while generally well maintained, is getting a little worn, with scuff marks everywhere from counting people sitting in those seats. There’s a wall-mounted fan in one corner, unplugged and apparently disused for decades, judging from the dust build-up.

During the lawyer’s questioning, the defense lawyer repeatedly annoyed the judge with long-winded speeches prefacing simple questions. He basically was painting the defense’s argument — that there was no robbery committed against the taxi driver, because he was trying to get back at his client for not paying the fare — in the jury questioning. This raised numerous objections from the prosecutor, and numorous “get on with it”s from the judge. The defense lawyer, by the way, looked a little like a hyperanimated Lurch from the Addams Family. The prosecutor looked like some bizarre cross between Dana Scully and Monica Lewinsky. I think it was the combination of hair and suits, as well as her slight zaftigness that gave that impression.

In any case, there was no lucky escape this time. I got picked for this jury. I suppose that, given a choice of trials, a two-day robbery trial is probably the best you can do.